I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Someone came in the potted fern
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Randomize
