Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
