The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
