honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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