We won't sleep together?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
