I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's Friday. Sex?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
