Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
