Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
