The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
