the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
