Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
