and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
