So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He told me they were just razor bumps!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
