I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
