Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
