I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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