Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
