we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
