where am i from again
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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