She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
