It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
