Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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