I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We left an ass print on the piano.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
