There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
