I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
