happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
