I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
