My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
