he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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