You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
