Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
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