When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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