The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
