If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
