farters have to be the big spoon...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
