i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
