The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
