Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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