were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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