I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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