Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
