Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
