highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.