Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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