I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
