Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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