So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
