I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
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And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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