I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
