Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
