you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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