Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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