obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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