I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
