Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
