Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
