my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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