True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
