Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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