dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
