I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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