when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think I just sharted jello shots
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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