I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
