i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
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after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
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Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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