I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
