Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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