There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
